


santa baby

by Dresupi



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Awesome Darcy Lewis, Darcy Lewis is the fandom bicycle and I love it, Darcy Lewis-centric, Drinking, F/M, Flirting, Holidays, Humor, Kissing, Mischief, Office Party, SHIELD Agent Darcy Lewis, SHIP DARCY LEWIS WITH ALL THE THINGS, holiday party, santa suit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 15:40:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12914973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dresupi/pseuds/Dresupi
Summary: Phil's the lap and Darcy's the snap.At least, that's what she's telling people when they come to get their picture made with Santa-Phil.  There aren't many people who could pull off a Santa suit, but Darcy definitely wants to pull it off her boss.  *wink wink*AKA the one where Phil is dressed up like Santa and Darcy's the elf, but there are two high level S.H.I.E.L.D assassins who are definitely ending up on the naughty list for their shenanigans at the holiday party.  Or the nice list.  Darcy can't decide.





	santa baby

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hollyspacey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hollyspacey/gifts).



> December 4 - ['Santa Baby' by Madonna](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-wAyZZTq7E4)
> 
> Special thanks to thestanceyg and Catrinasl for their awesome betaing and advice on this one! :D

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this…” Phil muttered under his breath.  

Darcy had to suppress a laugh, because she couldn’t really believe it either.  “Oh hush.  You look holly-jolly and bowl-full-of-jelly and all that jazz.  _ Kris Kringle _ .” She winked in Phil’s direction and he shot her daggers from behind his half-moon specs.  “Plus, everyone loves it. You’ve had like twenty people in your lap tonight.”

She’d actually been kinda jealous of all the people who got to sit in Phil’s lap.  Apparently her plan of getting him in a Santa suit had done nothing for her little libido problem.  

Okay, that was a lie.  It was a  _ big _ libido problem.  She was crushing  _ hard _ on her boss and was pretty sure he had no idea.  

“I  _ know _ ,” he said deliberately.  “I’ve had  _ twenty _ people in my lap tonight…”  

“You’re making everyone’s holiday wishes come true.”  

Everyone’s except hers, but considering he didn’t have a clue about her feelings or what her holiday wish even  _ was _ , she wasn’t going to blame him for that.

“These are adults, Darcy.  Not a single one of these people believes in Santa anymore. Plus, I think half of those agents want  _ you _ in their lap and not to...” he trailed off for a moment before continuing, “...sit in mine.”  

There was only one lap she wanted to sit in.  

Darcy subconsciously reached down to straighten her green and red elf skirt.  The bells jingled. “It’s a holiday party, Phil.  Everyone’s having fun.  Come on, Scroogey Claus. Don’t you want some punch?”    

“Is it spiked?”  

“Your memo said specifically  _ not _ to spike the punch, so I’d say it’s probably only been spiked three times by now…”

“Then give it another half hour, I want a decent buzz.”  

She reached into the bowl of candy canes, unwrapping one and sticking the end in her mouth.  “C’mon, admit it.  This is fun.  You wouldn’t be doing the Santa laugh if it wasn’t fun.”  

“It’s not me, it’s the suit.  I don’t know… it’s like I'm being compelled beyond my control.”  

She laughed. “Yeah, that’s the holiday spirit.  I’m told it’s painful for first timers, but ya know. It gets better.”

“I’ve had holiday spirit before,” he argued.  

“Yeah.  On Captain America’s Birthday.”  

“You mean the Fourth of July?”  

“Same difference,” she said with a smirk. She giggled a little, and then nearly jumped out of her skin when Clint tapped her shoulder. She was really getting sick of all these assassin-types sneaking up on her. Not cool, guys.  Not cool.    

“Heya, Princess Pinky Pie, Can we get a photo with Santa?” he asked.  

“Okay, first off, I am not a magical pink pony princess, I am one of Santa’s most esteemed elves.  And my name is Pinky Perky-Pants… and next…” She turned, looking vaguely around for other people and seeing no one.  “ _ We _ ? Where is this ‘we’ of which you speak?  I only see  _ you _ , Hawkguy.”  

“We as in ‘ _ you _ and me’?”  Clint grinned.  “I want the elf in my picture too…gonna send it to Tony.  Legolas and Pinky Pie with Santa.”  

“Pinky Perky-Pants and who’s gonna take the picture, genius?”  Darcy asked, thinking she’d outsmarted the archer. “This is a two man operation.  He’s the lap, I’m the snap…”  She held out her phone and mimed taking a picture.  

“I will,”  Natasha said, suddenly right behind Darcy and speaking in her left ear.  She jumped again, nearly dropping her phone, but the assassin caught it and and deftly unlocked it despite Darcy never having told her the password. But Darcy Lewis hadn’t been surprised in approximately six years, so she took it in stride.  “C’mon, Darce.  It’s Clint’s only Christmas wish…”  

“To get a picture with Santa and the elf?” she asked incredulously.  

“Yep, definitely.”

“I’m the elf  _ too _ ,” Clint insisted, a whiff of his breath hitting her face and making her realize that her earlier predictions about the punch were directly on the nose.   

“Okay…”  Darcy turned to find Clint already settling into Phil’s lap, looking very pleased with himself.  Darcy perched primly on Phil’s left leg, trying not to put all her weight on him.  

Phil grunted a little. “Barton.  What are they feeding you? Lead?”  

“Just eatin’ my wheaties, Coulson…” Clint grinned widely.  

Darcy shifted a little bit, trying to get more centered so she wouldn’t tip.

That proved to be her undoing, though, because as Natasha was counting down, Clint slid unceremoniously to the floor and either accidentally or purposefully kicked Darcy’s leg out of the way, sending her sprawling across Phil’s lap.  Which was  _ of course _ , how Natasha snapped the picture.  

Phil grabbed her before she hit the floor, and it would have been very romantic, had they not been dressed up like some kind of Rankin-Bass stop-motion special.  

Darcy might have had a thing for older men, but Santa was really pushing the envelope.

Even though the knowledge that it was  _ Phil _ behind the white beard was making her second guess her kinks.

“That’s a good picture, that’s going out in the email on Monday…” Natasha said, grinning widely as she admired her handiwork.  

“Nat…” Darcy protested, struggling to sit up and get to a standing position ASAP.  “Come on…”  

“Hey, here’s an idea,” Clint said, hopping up from the floor.  “Why don’t you give  _ me _ the Santa hat, I’ll do the rest of the photo ops and you guys can go… get…”  

“Holly-Jolly?”  Natasha filled in, grinning widely.  

Darcy rolled her eyes, because obviously there was a plot here.  She grabbed the hat off Phil’s head, tossing it to Clint.  

“How much was the bet?” asked Phil, tugging off the beard.   

“What bet?”  Clint asked, feigning ignorance.  

Natasha rolled her eyes and began fiddling around on Darcy’s phone.  “It’s in the five figures, and that’s all you need to know.”  

“At least you didn’t push us under the mistletoe,” Darcy said incredulously.   

“Mistletoe is  _ so _ predictable…”  Natasha replied, wrinkling her nose.  “Besides.  The bet wasn’t for a kiss.  Although, that  _ would _ be a bonus.”   

Darcy took off her own hat, the one that had the elf ears attached and tossed it to Natasha, who promptly put it on and somehow managed to look downright adorable in it.  

* * *

 

They ransacked the refreshment table, leaving with a tray-full of the best finger foods the caterers had to offer.  

Darcy was also able to swipe a bottle of booze from beneath the refreshment table.  She was super excited about it until she saw that it was Barbara’s-from-Accounting. That woman only drank the nastiest seasonal Schnapps Dekuyper had to offer.

But it was possibly better than nothing.  

Maybe?

She was trying to detach herself from her nerves.  Try to stay cool and breezy.  

Who cared if Natasha told them to go get ‘holly-jolly’?  Not Darcy.  Because she totally knew what that meant and it wasn’t something that made her cheeks go all rosy, or her nose go all cherry.  

Because getting ‘holly-jolly’ with Phil was definitely what she’d been hoping for since pretty much day one of her job here at S.H.I.E.L.D.  And therefore, she shouldn’t be nervous at all, right?  

Phil seemed  _ fine  _ with it anyway.  Which meant…  

What in Saint Nick’s jingle bells  _ did _ it mean?

* * *

They left the event room and wandered down the hall until they found an office with a cracked door.  There was only one chair, so Phil rolled it out into the hallway and plopped down on the floor behind the desk.   

Darcy took a swig from the bottle, wincing at the pepperminty taste before passing it to Phil. It was honestly the worst, like taking shots of Blue Scope, but it took the edge off her nerves, so she let it slide.   “I’ve never seen you even  _ attend  _ this party before, let alone cosplay Ole Saint Nick.  What gives, Phil?  Why did you even agree to this?”  

He looked at her for a long moment.  A  _ really _ long moment, before he took a long swig from the bottle  His eyes stayed on hers, and Darcy felt her cheeks flush red.  “I have a thing for the elf,” he replied.  

Her eyebrows went straight up.  “For the elf, huh? I’m assuming you’re not talking about Legolas…” She jutted her head to the side, in the general direction of the merriment down the hall. 

He chuckled. “Not quite, no… it’s more for… what did you say your name was again?”  

She tried not to laugh when she said it.  “Pinky Perky-Pants…”  

“Yeah.  I have a thing for Pinky Perky-Pants.”  

She pressed her lips together and looked down at her pointy shoes.  “This is weird because I  _ normally _ don’t have a thing for Santa… and I  _ still _ don’t… but I hella have a thing for my boss.”  

“Really? Huh.  That’s normally something that gets you put on the naughty list, you know,” he said with a wink.  

“But it doesn’t in my case?” she asked, grinning widely. 

“No, it  _ does _ .  Just… not the naughty list that gets no presents.”

She reached for the bottle. “Is that you or the Schnapps talking?”  

“A little of both, maybe?”  he replied.  “Doesn’t make it any less true, though…”  

“What kind of presents do I get, Phil?”  

He shifted over a little, so his fingers brushed hers slightly. He’d shed the belt and the red coat along with the extra fluff for his bowl-full-of-jelly a while ago, but he was still wearing those red pants.  And he smelled like a peppermint nightmare.  

But Darcy wouldn’t change a thing about the way this was happening.  

His lips met hers and she sighed into his mouth.  

“Do I get any more, or is that it, since I’m on the naughty list?” she asked, her lips brushing against his when she smiled.  

Phil grinned, his other hand coming up to twist into her hair as he kissed her again, more deeply this time.  Her belly swooped and she reached up to grasp his white-t-shirt, holding him in place.  

His lips caressed hers, his tongue prodding gently at her bottom lip, coaxing her to part her lips, tilting her head to better slot her mouth over his.

Time basically stood still. A little bit holiday magic and a little bit Peppermint Schnapps.  And neither of them noticed when someone entered the office.  Not until she spoke, anyway...

_ “Hey… is that my Schnapps?”  _

**Author's Note:**

> Leave me some holly-jolly lovey doves in the comments, you guys. <3 xoxo!


End file.
